LOK
Pabu’s not a one trick poodle pony- Bolin
monster
There is so much left I have to say to you. I can’t stand you, how could you hurt my mom? How could you choke her, hit her, break her? Why did you make a child with her if you never planned to show up? Why did you come into my seven year old life, and ruin life for me? Why did you have to take away my childhood, but even more than that why did you think it was okay to lay hands on my mother, a women.
You haven’t had to see me go through all the things I’m going through. No, my mom is the only one, because she’s alone, because she had the courage to walk away. But she came back..why did she come back? She has watched me fall into this depression that was caused by you. She had to sit through therapy sessions where I told my therapist I cut. She had to see my scars, the permanent ones on MY SKIN. She’s lucky she doesn’t get to see the ones on my heart.
The funny thing is I never liked you, and still my heart aches. Maybe because it’s angry or maybe it’s just like my moms old heart. Maybe it wants to be hit to, maybe it wants to let itself bleed out. Maybe I’m as screwed up as you were. Only I was born a victim, you were born a coward. A coward who hits girls. And though you never touched me, that I will admit. Your words scarred me deeper than anyone you hit.
And I have to sit here sometimes and think about you. Why am I thinking about you? I don’t know. I look at a knife and think of you- the one I should have grabbed. When I look at my sister, I’m forced to think of you, and why would a big sister do that? The way men act remind me of you, and sometimes I feel scared. If they raise their voices or raise their hands my heart starts to stutter.
It is because of you that all my problems sprang. So I hope your happy with your messed up life, stay alone, it’s what you deserve. You women-beater, oppressor, dream-crusher.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
Poem :)
Quiet people have the loudest minds
and that indeed is true.
But when I speak I don’t use the spoken word
I write the words on a page and wait
for them to spill their secrets
and to tell me of my fate.
They say the words I cannot
For I am way to shy
talking is what frightens me
but writing is what soothes my fears
and allows me to write what I cannot say.
eh not my favorite I’ve written but I’m tired sooo :) oh well
From my trip to China a week ago :)
Demi is my hero
I just can’t watch this documentary without crying because I remember. I remember being there. I remember feeling that. I just can’t imagine going back, and thinking about it just makes me want to ball my eyes out. I was in such a dark place I didn’t see what the point of living was, and I was cutting, and I was so depressed. I didn’t care, because I thought no one cared. To know that she and I went through similar things it just makes me feel so connected to her. I feel so connected to anyone whose gone through this. Now, I can’t imagine a world without Demi Lovato in…I don’t know that I would be the same. She helps keep me strong. She keeps me out of that place where you see no way out. So Demi…Thank you so much. I will stay strong.
I just am so… amazed..blown away..in awe of the strength of the human mind. I can speak as a person who has been through a very dark space and a very bright one. The fact that I, me, a simple girl, can go from being suicidal and feeling things no one should ever feel, and I can say that I am surviving that. It’s crazy to me that so many people can go through so much pain and end up okay, end up successful. And I’m crying now and it’s because I feel for all of you. each and everyone of you. Because that place is so fucking dark and I can’t even believe that I was in it, and that I could very well go back into it. It scares the shit out of me. But that fear is what keeps me fighting, I am so scared of that numbness that place that I will fight tooth and nail so that I will never go back to it. I don’t want it. And I can promise you all if you can just make it out of tunnel, see some light, that it is so much brighter on the other side. Get Help. Please. I’m not going to promise that it will come quickly but it will come. You will feel better, and you may not feel 100% but you will come to realize you’ve come a long way. I have. And I want to help but I’m afraid I can only give you hope because if I get to invloved I’ll be triggered and that cannot happen, so please if you are suffering from depression get help, talk to someone, your dog, your cat. just let it out, cry scream, rip things of the walls. And if all else fails just breathe, and do it until you fall asleep and remember tomorrow is a new day, and you’ve made through one more. so I leave you all tonight hoping you all stay safe. <3
little moments..
There are these little moment where I can see what’s ahead. I can see that there is a light to the end of this very long tunnel, and end is in sight. It’s like those summer days when it’s the perfect combo of shade and sun; as soon as you get too hot the clouds cover the sun for a few moments and then the sun pokes out again. Sometimes though, as soon as they come they pass like the sky before a summer rainstorm, over with quickly, and then it’s hard to tell if it even rained. They’re hopeful little nuggets of the life I hope to go back to, but are painful reminders of just how much longer I have to go to get there.. but today was a good day, so I’m going to end it well..
-Bellum
(7 days stronger and counting)
Heroes
*Sylar stands in a elevator all bloody after killing girl for her ‘truth detecting’ power”
*awkward Asian man looks at him funny*
Sylar: Something wrong?
Man: n-no
Sylar: hmm it does kind of tingle.
I’m ruining everything.
I’m watching my life crumble before me.
I can stop it.
But I’m sitting here watching it fall around me.
I’m self-handedly ruining my life.
and I don’t know why.
